Bolton Man Publishes “Best 20 Women To Have One Off The Wrist To” Book.

By Kenneth Pant

Mark Oldwich is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, according to his mum and dad, his two sisters, his boss, his dentist and the local custom of Bolton’s “The Highwayman’s Cart” pub, to name but a few. Mark has actually won an award for being nice; in 2007 he was named “Harwood Man Of The Year” and would doubtless have won the award again but for competition rules stating that former winners are not allowed to enter again. Mark runs a Nisa Supermarket just minutes from his Grandmother’s retirement home and he visits her every single day with a treat. Every Sunday, after stock-taking, he takes snacks and sandwiches that are close to their sell-by date and gives them to the local homeless shelter and has even donated a microwave oven to them so that the tasty snacks can be heated up first. As if all that wasn’t enough he also runs 10 marathons a year for various local charities and is widely expected to feature in the Queen’s honours list very soon, helped by a campaign started by the local Radio station. I spent two days in Harwood asking around about Mark and to those who knew him they had only good things to say, which makes Mark’s decision to write and self-publish a book, about the women he most enjoys masturbating to while looking at their pictures, a shock that the local community is unlikely to forgive him for.

We all have skeletons in our closet, secrets we’d rather nobody found out about and Mark is, sadly, no different. Since the age of 14 Mark has kept a diary of every single time he’s masturbated and who it was to and decided in 2014 to write a book about his experiences in the hope that it will make people feel more comfortable about admitting they play with themselves, an issue Mark obviously feels strongly about. “Our local Vicar spent a decade working in Huntsville, Alabama and is very outspoken about celibacy and not touching yourself in a sexual way or anyone else for that matter, outside of wedlock and even then only if you’re trying to have a baby. He’s a nice guy but he’s a bit too Old Testament for my liking. We all touch ourselves, and we all like to do it but there’s such a stigma attached to talking about it. I hope to change that.”

As yet nobody but this writer knows that Mark’s book has already been printed, an initial run of 5000, and Mark is hoping that when people realise that he intends to give 50% of the profit made on the book to sexual health charities working in the area, people will feel a lot better about buying it. He admits, however, he’s not sure what the reaction from locals will be and so wanted to get ahead of the story by giving me an honest interview and I have promised not to pull any punches, at his request.

Me: “Mark, you’re a well regarded member of your local community. Why have you decided to write a book about masturbation and the women you most like to masturbate to?”

Mark: “Well we all have one book in us, so they say, and I was thinking about it on my birthday, when I turned 43. I was wondering what I could possibly write a book about but then it came to me – I have years of evidence and experience in one field in particular and so It was obvious really as it was the 30th anniversary of me starting my wank diary.”

Me: “But it’s such a personal and private thing, a taboo subject when it comes to the public ear. Aren’t you worried about the reaction it’s likely to get, especially from people close to you?”

Mark: “Look, it’s perfectly natural and we all learn to do it without anyone showing us how which, when you think about it, is a pretty good job as most of us are still kids when we start. I love women, right, all kinds of women but when I started out I found all women exciting, pretty much, especially if they were wearing black or white tights or stockings – that was the hottest thing imaginable, and I just did what came naturally and that’s how it starts for most boys; one minute they’re not there (women) and then suddenly it’s like an explosion in your gut. We all do it and gives us pleasure so if anyone has a problem with that then they’re just being uptight.”

Me: “To the book then, I understand you have some facts and figures you’d like to share?”

Mark: “Well yes. There hasn’t been a day go by since my 14th birthday that I haven’t had a wank, so that’s almost 11,000 days straight, which must surely be some kind of record, so I’ll have to check that. Up until I was 25 it was about 3 a day, even when I had a girlfriend, and it’s been at least 1 a day since I turned 30. By my reckoning that’s well over 15,000 wanks. I’d say that was pretty impressive.”

Me: “I’d say it was pretty exhausting!” (we both laughed for several minutes)

Me: “Your book isn’t about the act of masturbating so much as the women that inspired you to do it so often, right?”

Mark: “Yes, very much so. I spent a lot of time writing to my top 20 or to their agents in order to secure photos I could use in the book but there were a few, such as Meagan Good, who were not happy for me to include their photo in my book, or even mention their name. It’s a shame about Meagan as she’s ridiculously hot but she’s married to a Pastor or something and deeply religious, so I can understand why she didn’t go for it. I was also going to include Whitney Houston but with her being dead I decided people might think it was weird even though the last time I had a wank over her was in 1999 and she was still very much alive then, although I would probably not have included her anyway on account of her drug habit messing her face up.

Me: “It’s a top 20, over 30 years of wanking – when you think about it that’s not a very big number (20) so you must’ve had to take out a lot of women you’ve bossed the beast over?”

Mark: “Oh definitely, especially from the 80’s and 90’s. I mean back in the 80’s you had Dana Delaney looking well hot, I mean she was stunning. You probably still would now but back then she was a perfect 10 and no mistake, but time hasn’t been kind and while you can still see it when she’s on TV, she hasn’t been wank-worthy for nearly 15 years if I’m honest. Neneh Cherry too, I mean for 18 months there she was my number one, even more than Samantha Fox or Maria Whittaker. It was harder to find sexy pictures of Neneh so I mostly just used my vinyl copy of “Raw Like Sushi”; the sleeve, not the record itself as there weren’t any pictures on that anyway.”

80s

Incredibly, not one of these women makes Mark’s Top 20 although they would all make it into a 1980’s Top 20. Lisa Bonet was closest to making the book – she ended up 27th.

Me: “I understand you don’t want to reveal your Top 20 before the book comes out. Is there any reason for this?”

Mark: “I thought it would be fun to talk about all those who didn’t make the Top 20, before the book comes out. I mean, you remember the lead singer from The Bangles, Susanna Hoffs? Two, three times a day between 1986 and 1987 and she was so cute, but even she didn’t make the cut.”

Me: “Presumably there will be some controversial omissions from the Top 20?”

Mark: “Well yes, especially when you consider some of the women who have been regarded as the most beautiful in the world in FHM and magazines like that. There’s no Cindy Crawford, for example, or Sunny Leone who I have teased my trouser snake over 100’s of times. No Madonna either, but then I haven’t wanked over her once; she’s a bit of a wretch I think. Only one porn star makes it into the Top 20 but she’s a stunner and it’s not Jenna Jameson. Even women like Halle Berry and Emilia Clarke aren’t in the book but there’s a good reason why everyone who’s in the Top 20 is there – there’s usually a story or a really good reason why they make it and some of the really hot, if obvious, ones don’t make it.”

Me: “When you say there’s a story, do you mean you actually met some of them?”

Mark: “Oh no, but there’s one, I won’t say her name but she’s been in a really famous sci-fi trilogy. I was in an internet café and I was looking for someone else with the same first name and a picture popped up of her washing her tits, so I just put my rucksack on my groin and cranked one out right there and then. I had to, it was just a sexy photo. She’s been a regular since 2003 for me and she was in another very famous movie series just recently, older but still so hot.”

Me: “I have to ask, was there anyone else in the café at the time?”

Mark: “A few people but nobody noticed? She’s special though; there’s not many women in the world I’d just pop my cock out for on the spur of the moment. I mean, even during the 90’s when I was prolific, with women like Natalie Imbruglia, three out of the four in En Vogue and even Shania Twain, I’d wait until I got home before doing anything.”

Me: “What other stories are there?”

Mark: “Well I don’t want to say too much or give away any clues about what’s in the book, but my number 8 is actually the woman I’ve wanked over in the most countries. I’ve had a wank over her in South Africa, Holland, Ireland, Canada and Spain. She’s my international wank material although oddly enough she’s English.”

90s

It’s hard to imagine not having any of these pop star beauties in your Top 20 list of favourites when it comes to good wanking material. Her off 2 Unlimited especially.

Me: “So your Top 20 are doubtless the most beautiful or sexy women in the world when it comes to masturbatory stimulus. Obviously that list will tell people what kind of women you find attractive enough to spill your seed over. However, as your intention is to get people talking about masturbation in a relaxed fashion, presumably there are some rules you’ve applied in order to arrive at a Top 20?”

Mark: “Oh definitely. Firstly, to make the Top 20 they have to be timeless and look good no matter what era they’re in. For example, for a brief time both Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were hot, really hot, and well worth a quick fumble, but both of them have gone through periods where they really lost it and you wouldn’t go near them. I actually prefer chubby Christina but compare her to, say, Shakira (who just missed out) – she’s always been hot and she always looks amazing, even just weeks after she’s had a baby. At the opposite end of the scale you have people like Pamela Anderson and Meg Ryan who were both pretty hot at one point in time, and were a good fall-back wank if I didn’t have someone better to hand, but they’re both a mess nowadays.”

Me: “I see. What other criteria did you use to eliminate women from your final Top 20?”

Mark: “Well, I’m not a fan of fake tits or lips, and I really hate women who have their arses blown up. Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of ass and if I’m looking at a series of photos of a woman then I always finish off with an ass pic. The thing is, if the ass is obviously not real – take Iggy Azalea or Kim Kardashian, it’s a real turn-off. Only one in my Top 20 has fake boobs but they’re not huge and they look real, plus she rarely gets them out. They all have shapely thighs though, the Top 20. There are no skinny legs in there, none at all, otherwise the two Zoë Saldana would be in there, but she’s worryingly slim for me. You know in Star Trek, the remake, there’s that green alien who’s her room-mate? She, on the other hand, has a cracking figure – definitely the hottest alien I’ve wanked over.”

Me: “I’m guessing the book isn’t just a series of pictures and you describing the best wanks you had over them, though?”

Mark: “Well, actually it’s pretty much just that.”

Me: “Really?”

Mark: “Well, obviously once you’ve read it you’ll realise that it’s about having fun with yourself and famous women without anyone getting hurt. I do mention a few tips and tricks I use to make the wank better if things aren’t quite going as planned, and also I list some of the best sofas, chairs and beds I’ve wanked on, rating them for comfort and that, but really it’s me telling the world my wanking history and hoping to make people realise It’s fine to do it as long as you don’t waste it.”

Me: “Waste it?”

Mark: “Well, I’ve never been one for a boredom wank – If I’m not in the mood I don’t do it. That’s a waste and probably ruins the next one because when you are horny it’ll be so much harder to get off, and maybe a bit sore too if you’ve had to try really hard the last time because you weren’t really in the mood. It’s like the first time you try to get off to a picture of a ladyboy – there’s something sexy about them but it’s just not quite right, no matter how pretty they look.”

Me: “You’ve not mentioned videos at all – am I to presume you don’t watch pornography?”

Mark: “I do sometimes, usually between girlfriends or just after a break-up, but I don’t like looking at cocks. I don’t mind a bit of lesbian porn and that’s what got me into Sunny Leone but even she never really looks like she’s into it, probably because she prefers guys, so with photos or pictures, you just get the best ones together and rub one off, just the way you want it.”

Me: “You mentioned that you wrote to the agents or managers of the women who have made your Top 20. Did you tell them why you wanted permission to use their photos?”

Mark: “Oh yeah, I wouldn’t want to get taken to court! I’m trying to make money for charity, after all.”

Me: “And what were the responses like?”

Mark: “Most of them didn’t seem all that bothered to be honest and they sent me a fairly ordinary signed photo along with a contract to return. Some of the women aren’t nearly as famous now as they used to be so they’re probably happy about the exposure. There was one, however, number 17, who wanted to read a copy of the chapter before giving me permission. I got an email off her! She said that although she wasn’t completely happy with me using her image and didn’t intend to grant me permission, the story about her really turned her on, so she decided to let me use it after all.”

Me: “Are you allowed to reveal those who said no?”

Mark: “Well, they said no so it doesn’t matter if they’re not in the book, right? Eva Longoria and Shaznay Lewis were not happy, which is a shame as I loved to Shaz over three quarters of All Saints back in the day, so to speak. Mariah Carey threatened all sorts but as I got closer to deciding the Top 20 she wasn’t anywhere close in the end. I did wonder if Shaznay had the same manager as Tulisa Contostavlos because I got a random letter from a guy claiming to represent Tulisa and that she would love to be in the book. I didn’t reply though; the only Top 20 she’d get into was a Top 20 I’m least likely to wank over or would only do it because there were literally no other pictures of women left in the whole world. I’d rather wank over the women modelling hoodies in a Sports Direct catalogue than her, seriously, although I don’t suppose it would be much different, thinking about it.”

Me: “One final question then; I’m guessing Waterstones won’t be stocking your book as they’d probably consider it to be inappropriate, so where can people buy the book from once it’s out?”

Mark: “Funny you should say that, because Waterstones are doing so badly right now the Bolton town centre branch has agreed to stock it. I expect most people will buy it from my eBay account or my Amazon account, although I am planning a book launch in the front garden, if the weather forecast is okay and I’ll probably take some to work to sell over the counter. It’s all for a great cause, after all, and once I’ve covered my costs I’ll pretty much be giving the rest to charity.”

Me: “Well, I hope it goes well for you and that people aren’t too shocked by it. You wouldn’t want to ruin your nice guy image!”

Mark: “Well look, if it’s not to your liking, don’t buy it and if you do buy it and don’t like it then at least you’ve donated money to charity, but if there are people who don’t buy it who moan about it I have no time for them. This is about me trying to break down barriers and make money for charity at the same time. You can buy books on serial killers and paedophiles and that’s okay, so surely you can buy a book about a guy who enjoys wanking over hot women and isn’t afraid to say so. I’m not breaking any laws.”

“The Best 20 Women To Have One Off The Wrist To – My Story” will be available to purchase online and at Waterstones, Bolton, from November 8th 2016.

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This entry was posted in Adult Movies, Celebrities, Chauvinism, Fan Clubs, Ladyboys, Misogyny, Models, Movie Stars, Porn Stars, Sexism, Social Media and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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