The Jedi Knights of Liskeard.

By Roberta Robson-Canoe

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…so the story goes, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Princess Leia and Chewbacca fought the evil Galactic Empire and brought freedom to the galaxy. However what you probably didn’t know is that the Jedi are alive and well and living in Liskeard. That’s right, a new breed of galaxy protectors and peace-makers have spring up in the most unlikely of places – The Jedi Order of Liskeard has been keeping a watchful eye on the town for several years.

Jedi1The founder of this new Jedi Order is 25 year-old Breca-Wan Calis (real name Karen Brest) from nearby Trevecca, a former nurse and huge fan of the Star Wars films, who has chosen to dedicate her life to the ways of ‘The Force’ for the betterment of all local people. She discovered she was strong with ‘The Force’ after fighting off two muggers at a bus-stop in Plymouth. “I don’t know what happened, they grabbed me and tried to get my handbag but I pushed my hands towards each of them to try to make them let go and they both fell over. I don’t remember even touching them. I started to scream and they ran off. I could feel power coursing through me and I knew right then I had become a Jedi.” After a period of days spent meditating in isolation she told her boyfriend about what had happened. While initially understanding, the burden of having a Jedi girlfriend became too much and their relationship came to an end a few weeks later. “I knew it was a sign as Jedi aren’t supposed to have boyfriends or girlfriends. The Force was calling me and I knew I had to follow it.”

She created the Jedi Order of Liskeard shortly afterwards and began to use onlineJedi2 Star Wars forums and Craigslist to seek out fellow Jedi in the area. While many of the responses to her advert were obviously insincere she eventually received a message from Elili Folis-Plu (real name Linvoy Eli Jones) who told her he’d had a vision several years ago that matched the account she gave of the mugging she’d endured and quoted wisely from the Star Wars expanded Universe, explaining that he believed he was the reincarnation of famous Jedi Kyle Katarn. Karen knew immediately that his knowledge was proof of his sincerity and they met up a few days later. “I told him I’d started a new Jedi Order and he was excited about what we could do together. He’s like a big brother to me now, a mentor, very wise. I would not have come as far as I have without him. He’s taught me how to meditate and truly become at one with ‘The Force’ as its student.” Linvoy believes ‘The Force’ brought them together and while he admits he’s often found himself intoxicated by Karen’s power and aura, the Jedi way must come first. “If we weren’t Jedi I would obviously be very interested in Karen as a person, even a lover or wife or mother of my children but these things are not the Jedi way. Like I said though, if we were not Jedi I would want things to be very different but I revealed myself to her as a Jedi before I saw a picture of her. The Force can be a curse and I fear the Dark Side, although I would definitely explore the Dark Side with Karen if she wanted to, I would be well up for that. If things were different, If I’d not told her I was a Jedi, who knows what might have happened? Look, all I’m saying is that if she told me she wanted to go down a dark path with me I would do it, no question. I mean, I wouldn’t ever follow the quick and easy route unless she wanted me to. I can tell she has a great aura and I’d love to feel it myself, in a Jedi way though. Don’t tell her I said anything.”

As Karen and Linvoy learned more about their powers and increased their knowledge of ‘The Force’ by meeting regularly at her flat, people started to notice their presence. “We would walk around town, keeping an eye out for anyone who might be tempted by the Dark Side, usually in our Jedi robes although I did some alterations to mine to make them shorter and opted for thigh-high boots. It’s a modern look but authentic. Anyway, one day we were walking past the Supermarket car park when we saw two younglings looking suspicious. Using our powers we got close to them before leaping out to stop them from doing whatever it was they were planning to do.” The two Jedi4younglings were Wan-Ma Cllis (left, real name Maggie WaJedi3ng) and Blade Du-Lis (right, real name Deborah Blackson). The two ‘Padawan’ were planning to drink a bottle of cider between them despite both being under-age. After using “‘The Force” to persuade them not to do it in public for fear of turning down a path they could never return from, the two younglings (as they were then) reluctantly agreed, phone numbers were swapped and eventually they agreed to join the Jedi Order of Liskeard as protectors of the town, a decision they both agree was probably for the best. “Linvoy kept texting me” Maggie told me, “and wouldn’t let it drop. He kept saying he thought I had potential and if I spent more time with him he could show me things he had never shown the others. He’s a bit older than me but he works at the animal rescue place so I figured he wasn’t such a bad guy. He takes a lot of pictures of me when I’m in my Jedi costume.” Deborah, who is actually the most committed Star Wars fan in the group, loved the idea of being a Jedi and makes packed lunches for everyone based on the cuisine of the Star Wars universe. “My ‘Force Awakens’ smoothies are really good. You’re supposed to use Fringi Spices but I use raspberries instead. I also make Wroonian Fly-Catcher sandwiches using turkey slices so they taste pretty much the same. It’s fun, I like doing it.”

While they are a small group and always looking for members, Linvoy is particularly keen to ensure they get the right people, people who are genuinely blessed with ‘The Force’ and not just guys who think they might be in with a chance with Karen or Maggie although he’s not as concerned about Deborah. “Sure, we’ve had blokes approach us, Karen in particular, but they’re not serious enough about committing to the ways of the Jedi. As the oldest and the only man I make sure the girls are protected from Dark Side influences that might cause them to leave the Jedi Order. Young men aren’t always what they say they are when it comes to their relationships with young women and with Maggie being the only Asian girl in town she gets a lot of all the wrong kinds of attention. I’m not afraid to put my arm around her if I think she’s in danger, or get between her and someone who is giving her an uncomfortable amount of his time. After Karen she’s definitely the most attractive and alluring Jedi around but she’s facing a dangerous time in her training where she may be tempted by dark forces. I tell her that if she’s feeling temptation she should come to me, I can help her control those urges or bring them out in a safe, Jedi-like way, in private so the other two would never know. I would definitely do that for her if she needed me to, no question. That’s why I’m not sure we need any more guys in the Order, not unless perhaps they were gay as they’re much less likely to tempt Maggie or Karen with the Dark Side. Deborah’s fine though, she’s strong, butch, bigger-boned, so guys don’t really try anything with her. I haven’t and I wouldn’t, unless I suffered a momentary weakness and even then I would insist we didn’t tell anyone. I’m happy to leave Karen to take care of her if anything’s going on.”

The group now spend their weekends patrolling the town or visiting the local comic shop which is a potentially rich recruitment ground for them. In the main, however, Karen sees the role of the group in the town as that of protectors and she places a far greater emphasis on that than recruitment to the group. “The Force will guide us; if there are people we need to train or people we need to save it will tell us. Occasionally some of the rougher, more immature youths approach us but I have learned to master Jedi mind tricks on the weaker-willed and just talking to them for a few seconds about who we are and what we do is enough to make them run away, or walk away quickly.” The group have intervened with minor public order offences on countless occasions, with Karen, Maggie and Deborah often leading the “Aggressive Negotiations” while Linvoy watches the perimeter to prevent surprise attacks. “I’m the strongest out of all of us, but I do feel anger and rage at times and I don’t want people getting hurt, so I let the girls deal with it and just supervise. I could really hurt someone so, you know, I stay out of the front line action unless they’re obviously not going to be a threat. There’s no need for me to get directly involved though, I need to be able to see the wood for the trees. Yoda didn’t get his hands dirty, he had Jedi to do the messy stuff, he just dealt with the bigger issues. I very much see myself like Yoda, offering wisdom, guidance and comfort to the Jedi. I’m very big on comforting them, making sure they feel safe, protected, loved even. I mean, I kinda Jedi-love Karen in a way that ordinary people might not get, they might think it was weird but it’s not. I also have a lot of love for Maggie although that’s slightly different. Deborah, well that’s more of a father-daughter thing really. But yeah, usually I just hold back, keep my powers in check and observe when the girls break up a squabble outside a newsagent or something. Best for all involved really if I keep my considerable powers in check. Things could get messy as I know how to handle myself, oh yeah, don’t you worry about that. I just don’t want to lose it in the heat of battle but I’m telling you, if someone came for me they would be sorry, very sorry indeed, that they messed with me. I’ve seen all of Jet-Li’s English-speaking films so I know a thing or two, and people need to know that. You don’t mess with me, I’ll fucking kill you, with my bare hands, in combat. Mano-a-mano. I’m bloody lethal and dangerous…in defence, never for attack.”

The locals have warmed to their new Jedi protectors too, with one resident telling me “I think it’s lovely that young people can dress up and play out. It shows Britain isn’t broken after all.” A town council spokesperson added “While we don’t believe in vigilante action around the town these young Jedi people are more like the Girl Guides or Scouts, or a nice Christian Youth group or Duke of Edinburgh participants, than vigilantes. Lots of people are much happier having them around at weekends so as long as they don’t break any laws when they’re around we’re fine with having them around. We like having people in and around the town and when the Jedi are around everyone around town is glad they’re around.”

Recently, Karen promoted Linvoy to the rank of Jedi Master, with Maggie and Deborah now Jedi Knights. “With their new roles and confidence Liskeard will be better protected from evil influences than it ever has been before. I am very excited to see what they can all do, especially Linvoy who has always been so attentive, so keen to listen to what I tell him and take on board everything I say to him. On the days where we don’t see each other he remains in regular contact by text message and he always phones late at night to wish me sweet, safe, dreams. It’s cute, he’s such a softie, like the big brother I always wanted but never had, he’s Luke to my Leia. I think he’s going to make a smashing Jedi Master.”

Whatever you might think about them there’s no doubt that if an evil Galactic Empire wishes to conquer our planet anytime soon they’d better not start in Liskeard; the Jedi are trained, ready and more than capable of holding their own. For Linvoy it’s just about doing the right thing for the town he grew up in. “If I’d been brought up in a big city like Plymouth or Exeter I might never have found my true calling. If things had been different I might’ve been Karen’s boyfriend, or Maggie’s, though probably not Deborah’s. I could’ve been going out every night drinking with Karen, or going on nice dates to restaurants, walks in the park, day trips to Torquay, you name it. It could all have been so different if I’d not told Karen I was a Jedi, or if Maggie was just a little bit older than she is. I mean, age is nothing but a number for a Jedi but can you imagine if two Jedi got together, that would be amazing, especially if you kept all the Jedi clothes on when you did it. I mean, I’m sure girl Jedi’s have nice underwear but take Maggie, she’s got this black outfit and as Jedi go it’s pretty sexy, there’s cleavage on show most of the time. I’m just saying, if. It’s not the way of the Jedi way though, as I told Karen right at the beginning, before I’d even met her. I mean who’d have thought a girl Jedi posting on a Star Wars forum would look like Karen? They usually look like Deborah or worse. The last one I met before I actually became a Jedi was a right dog although she didn’t mind exploring my dark side a lot and that was surprisingly okay. It can be very frustrating being a Jedi at times, but like Yoda said, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. I’m a Jedi Master now, whether I like it or not. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t, but there you go, no getting out of it now. Don’t tell her I said any of that though, not now I’m a Jedi Master, she’d go mental.”

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This entry was posted in Broken Britain, Chavs, Jedi, Jedi Knights, Relationships, Religion, Star Wars, Superheroes, The Universe and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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